K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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