we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
