I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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