I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
