I forgot how hot balto sounded
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
