before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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