i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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