mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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