Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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