I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
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