I am puke
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
