it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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