His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
