omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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