Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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