I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
