you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize