my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just invented taco cereal.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
