oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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