Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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