I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
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I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
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You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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