I'm eating all of the evidence.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
