i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
