the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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