i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
