His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Naked. naked and bneed help.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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