i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
