I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
