I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
