Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
