Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
