There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
