Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
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I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
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Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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