my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
