tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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