my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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