woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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