I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
