you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
