so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
