You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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