how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
