i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
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I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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