I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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