I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
