from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
