haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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