Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
