I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The best revenge is premature balding
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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