why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
