One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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