Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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