Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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