i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
