Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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