The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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