i need an iv and a liver transplant
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
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Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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