why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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